Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
~ Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
Calvin: Sometimes When I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
~ Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Man referring to trophies covering his fireplace mantle; variety of sports represented
Those? Oh, just a few souvenirs from my bipolar-disorder days.
~ Tom Cheney, The New Yorker Collection, 2/12/1996
St. Peter talking to man who is standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
No, no, that’s not a sin, either. My goodness, you must have worried yourself to death.
~ Charles Barsotti, The New Yorker Collection, 9/13/1993
Help! I’m being held prisoner by my heredity and environment.
~ Dennis Allen
Just remember, son, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose–unless you want Daddy’s love.
~ Pat Byrnes, The New Yorker Collection, 2001
Dear diary, Sorry to both you again.
~ Mike Twohy, The New Yorker Collection, 1996